I'm a social media kind of girl. It's my equivalent of reading the paper.
Today, I was sitting on my front deck in the late morning sun, enjoying a cup of coffee and the wind rustling the leaves on my big birch tree. My media feeds this morning were filled with mentions of a man who was found dead by suicide.
He was the type of man who seemed to have it all - exciting career, world travel, family, material wealth... and yet, he had come to a point in his life where the sounds inside his head were so much louder than those on the outside, and he took his own life.
He is just another random stranger to me, familiar only because of his public image, and yet his death has dropped on me like an unimaginable weight.
In the last 2 years I have been very intimately acquainted with how varied mental illness can be.
Sometimes you can see it coming; the long, slow descent into a state where you are unable to effectively deal with your own well being. It's not pretty, but it is much easier to identify than the alternative.
Most recently, I had a taste of the brick-to-the-side-of-the-head variety of mental illness. Witnessing the decision by someone waking up one morning and making a conscious decision that being out of life was easier, or better, or something... than being in life.
The shock of this is indescribable. I've read so many comments by those close to "that guy" expressing shock and disbelief. So many feelings of guilt over not being able to see it coming, or not having known what was barrelling towards them.
Believe me, I know those feelings. Up close and personal. In my case, the ending was a less gruesome one, but still haunting. Most of the time the images and emotions stay nicely crammed into the back of my brain, but on days like today they slither out and slide around my throat in a death hold.
My guilt is huge. Hindsight is so unkind. Now, I am hyper-aware and push myself to the point of analyzing every word, every emotion, every tiny whisper of body language...
What this has taught me is that being entrusted with the care of another human being must also go hand in hand with taking equal care of oneself. Trying to shoulder the problems of all will inevitably result in crushing your own needs.
Take the time to focus entirely on yourself. Remind yourself of all the things that make you happy - from the light shining through the leaves of the tree as you sip your morning coffee, to the family and friends who, though sometimes infuriating and exhausting, are always the ones who support you unconditionally. It's challenging but crucial.
I will take that time. Tomorrow happens to be my birthday, and I will spend my day indulging myself and enjoying the people who remind me of all the things I love about life. If I see you tomorrow, don't be surprised if I throw myself at you and hug for just a little too long. I'm just healing.
